Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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