i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
