I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
