does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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