his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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