apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
