I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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