sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
