Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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