i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
i think my cat just said my name.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
