Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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