i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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