Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
