I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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