i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
