my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
