Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
