If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
