I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
