his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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