My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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