The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
