I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
