That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
