you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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