My Higher Power is John Stamos
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
