Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
