we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
