I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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