Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
