I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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