Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
