We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
