Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
