Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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