Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
