A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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