Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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