and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I look better un-naked...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
