1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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