Define "chronic" masturbator.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
