Did you just see the Batmobile???
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You ruined the universe
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
