Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
