wrigley field is MILF paradise
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
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