I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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