i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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