UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
