a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Just invented taco cereal.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
