So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
