I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
