If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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